Dear J,
It been a while since I’ve written to you. I hope you’ve been alright in New York or wherever you are. It been almost five years since I’ve had any contact with you. I’ve completely lost all contact with you and since then, I’ve been waiting for your return. Although it been almost five years or even longer since I can’t remember the date or year anymore, I hope you’ve been well. I miss you quite terribly and I don’t know why I’m waiting so long for you to come back to me. Maybe, I should move on and learn to forget you, but simply I’m not the type of person to just forget anyone. I thought of you today and I’ve been curious to know where you’ve been, how you’ve been, and if you’re still around.
I’ve been wondering if you eat well, dress well, still dancing, and whatnot. I miss you and I don’t know why I still wait for you even though I know the chances of you returning to me is really slim. You probably already forgot about me over the course of five years or longer. It’s alright, I’m used to being forgotten. I think I remember you because you were the first person I’ve ever grown so close to in my life that knew so much about me since then. Although a lot of things have changed and I’m not who I used to be, I still think of you. I wonder if you have a girlfriend yet. If you do, I hope she been treating you well and that she have been treating you well because I’m sure to hell that you deserve it. I wonder if you’re in college right now or if you’ve graduated from college.
Sometimes, I’m just wondering of all the possibilities of what might have happened to you. The possibilities are countless and sometimes, I wonder why you never came back to me, then again I’m just quietly waiting even if I meet new people, I’ll probably never forget you because you completely disappear from my life and I have no contacts with you at all. You’re not the only one who’ve done this to me, but it’s unfortunate because I miss you. I constantly miss you without noticing it because you were someone I held so dear to me. I just sometimes wonder if you’re alright and I just haven’t written a letter to you. I just wanted you to know if you ever encounter my blog that I still remember you. I can never forget you and thank you for everything you have brought to my life. You taught me a lot of things and one of the most important ones was that people will hurt you even if it is on purpose or on accident, people come and go. You taught me that and that’s why I’ve learned from you that people aren’t always as kind and beautiful, but that’s what makes them human.
You taught me a lot and I don’t think I can ever repay back the lessons you’ve taught me. I remember before you disappeared that you were so, so damaged by your ex-girlfriend. I hope it healed by now. She wasn’t that great of a person to cheat on you like that, but either way, I hope that part of you have mended because it’d be far too long if that pain is still inflicting you, but then everyone heal at their own pace. It must have hurt so much and I was too young to understand then. I just hope you’ve been better, happier, and just living. Sometimes, I still wonder what happened to you, but right now the best thing I can do is write to you because you live in my words and in my chapter of my life. I still remember you on some days like today, then on some other day, I won’t remember who you are because you don’t cross my mind. I still remember you and I’ll always be waiting for you whenever you come back. Whenever because you still mean so much to me. I’m sorry you had to disappear like that because I’m sure you’ve had your reasons. I hope you just know that I miss you dearly and I still remember you.
Sincerely,
L.
Happy birthday to my lovely Papa.
Today marks his 48th birthday. I’m really bless to have a father like him in my life. I’m sure he already knows all this because I wrote it in his birthday card. Regardless, one day I really hope I can celebrate his birthday where he can relax and fulfill what he wants to do. I want to make sure he will be able to go back to his hometown and just go on a vacation there without having to worry about the kids, making money, or putting food on the table for others. I want to make sure this happens one day because he deserves everything he can. Through hell and back from what he struggled to, I best believe that he deserve the best. The best any father deserves which is happiness, warmth, and just to live life stress-free. Of course, it’s easier said than done, but I really do genuinely wish I can make his dream come true where he want to visit his hometown again.
I’ll throw him a surprise birthday party one day. I’ll do it because I think he deserve to see the faces of the people he hold himself dearest to and even though, they’re not around much, they’re still his family and friends. Regardless, I will make this one of the reason to live for. I want to live until the day I see that happiness in his eyes and to see him finally relax. I want to make this one of the reason why I should keep living because he’s my dad and I love him wholeheartedly no matter what happens. In the end, blood is always thicker than water and he’ll always be a father that nobody can replace. He’s irreplaceable and one of the best man in my life. He’ll always be number one because I know for sure that family comes first and he happens to just be someone I hold on dearly to. I may not be close to him, but I love him. I just want to make sure I work harder towards my goals and do what I can in order to make this happen one day. I hope he’ll be happy one day soon. I really do hope this happens one day.
I won’t tell you now because I’ll make sure to stand by my words silently and surprise you. Thank you for everything and more to come. Thank you for providing me shelter, putting me and the kids first, giving us what we want, and always caring about us even under that facade of yours. I know you still care, you just have another way of showing it and that’s okay. I just really hope you enjoyed today because you’re a blessing in my life. You’re my blessing and I mean it wholeheartedly because I truly can’t explain how much I love you for being my father and nobody else. Perhaps one day you’ll read this, perhaps not, but the birthday card should sum up what I want to say to you. I love you lots. Happy birthday again, my lovely father.
It’s so hard not to cry. It’s so hard not to cry and feel the hate you bring upon yourself. It’s so hard not to hate yourself and feel like you can’t breathe and you can only hear your own sobs. It’s so hard not to cry and feel the need to be comforted. It’s so difficult and I’m pulling on all my strings. I’m just trying to hold on. I’m trying, but I’m only falling into a deeper hole.
