"Someday someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. Wait for it."
I used to be so happy.
And I don’t know what happened.
I am unstable
like an abandon, haunted home
that nobody dare knock or explore
for it is too dark for anyone
to allow in.
I am thankful for your existence. I cannot emphasize on it enough, but I am thankful for the fact that you can get me to smile and laugh when I need it most. I am thankful for the fact that I can surround myself with a good company, and not have to be afraid of being judged. I’m thankful that you even stayed around for this long because most people would end up leaving. I do have a fear of abandonment and losing people, which is why I care too much for the ones who ends up hurting me anyway, but I have the tendency to still care for people regardless of that happening. That is why I am so thankful for you staying, and not growing tired of me. I am thankful for the fact that you don’t grow annoyed easily either.
I am thankful for the trust you put in me, and how much you confide in me for I can do the same for you, even though I know you give me more of yourself than I give to you. I take so much from you, and I’m sorry for that because I’ve been unfair to you in aspect of that. I’m learning to be okay with giving you pieces of me. I’m learning, and I’m more than thankful for how patient you’ve been with me and still is. I’m more than thankful that you even walked into my life, and that I got the chance to meet you more than halfway.
You have no idea how content I am with the fact that you’re around, and because of you, I realized how much of a better person I want to be. I’m trying, and I am just thankful that I came across a beautiful soul like you.
So thank you. Thank you for staying around when I expected you to walk away. Thank you for being here, and not elsewhere because I rather not have it any other way.
I’ll be honest.
I’ll be honest with the fact that I am not okay with the fact that I could allow myself to ever depend on anyone for help. People tell me that it’s okay to allow myself to get the help I need, but I’m not open for it. I’ve never been okay or open to the fact that I am getting the help I need. I’m not entirely sure why, but the fact that I feel like once I get the help I need, I sort of depend on it. I depend on it until they’re no longer there, then I fall through the whole cycle again. So, that’s the thing. I don’t want that happening, and I want to be able to make all this go away on my own.
I don’t like the fact that I grow so dependent on something or someone when I get the help I need, and that’s why it’s so hard to get into my head. It’s so hard to get into my head because I don’t allow anyone in.
I talked to someone the other day, and they asked me if they could read my journal, and of course, I kindly refused. My journal is something that I hold dear to me because it’s whatever is in my head or that consume most of my feelings.
I don’t ever plan on allowing anyone in my head, and that’s the thing. If I ever allow someone in, they must really have a talent of breaking me in because I do have the difficulty of allowing people in for I feel like I’m burdening them. I will always feel like I’m burdening people even if they tell me I’m not. It’s a concept in my head that I cannot deny or ignore. It’s hard to. And that’s why I don’t allow people to help me nor am I open for it, but I’m trying.
I’m trying, and I’m still struggling with the concept that it is okay to get the help I need. I’m still struggling with it, and it makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel weaker, and it’s not a light I’d like to shed on. It’s really not, and I just hope that I can finally let go of all the hurt. I can finally let go of all the pain, and stop hugging it so tightly. I can finally let go of all the sadness, the emptiness, and everything. I just want to be able to go to sleep at night, and say goodbye to all of this negativity. I just want to finally set it free, and allow myself to be at peace.
I just hope for that much, but I know it won’t work so easily unless I allow myself to take the first step, and I am. I am. I’m trying, believe me.
"I just want someone who won’t get annoyed when I text them six times or in all caps. Someone I can go on long drives with and can sing along to the radio with. Someone I can eat pizza with at 2am and kiss at 6pm. Someone who chooses me everyday and never thinks twice about it."
Title: Use Somebody
"Loving me will not be easy. Some days I will be a stuttering apology and you won’t know how to handle all the things I’ve done wrong."
"How beautiful would it be to find someone who’s in love with your mind."
I find it surprising when people want me to write for them or ask me if I ever consider writing for their company. Why? Because I know I’m not that great of a writer nor am I even a writer. I simply just blog and purge feelings, or my surrounding. It’s never really a professional thing I would ever consider pursuing, but it’s flattering. It’s flattering when people ask me if I would ever want to work for them.